Getting Into College Without Going Crazy

Even if students aren’t all applying to the same schools, they are acutely aware of who is already visiting colleges and conducting online searches, who has begun interviewing, and who plans to apply Early Decision. In its best form, this new peer pressure can be supportive and motivating, even for those whose coping tactics include delaying for as long as possible. In its worst form, it makes the exciting transition from high school to college more stressful than it needs to be.
David is a good example of the stress factor. After a marathon week of college visits, he and his parents identified a list of schools to consider. As he began organizing application materials, his mom noticed that her personal favorite college was missing. When she asked David about it, he said he’d decided not to apply. “But you loved it when we visited! What gives?” “Well, Julia loves it more, and for her it’s a reach. If I apply, I might mess up her chances.” “Is Julia a good friend?” “Sorta.” “So a ‘sorta’ good friend is more important in deciding where to apply than what you think of the college?”

Parents are sometimes baffled by such reasoning, but students know that whatever Julia might mean to David later, right now they live overlapping lives. College is the future, but life is right now.
This journal entry, written by a college-bound high school student, illustrates the anxiety involved:
Last Friday, I sat down at our usual lunch table. “So, everyone coming to Joel’s tonight?” I asked. “Can’t,” Theo frowned. “Me neither,” said Rosie. “I’m basically under house arrest until I get my apps done.” Everyone around me started chattering away, and the overwhelming anxiety level in me about deadlines began to rise. Was there some essay or form that I had forgotten? How come I suddenly had more free time than my friends?
Attempts to cope Each student needs to feel in control of their college plans, even when he or she is bewildered by the details and unsure about what may lie ahead.
Teenagers deal with uncertainty in different ways. For some kids, coping with the pressure takes the form of resistance. Craig and his daughter Maria drove four hours to get to a college visit appointment. Upon arrival, Craig was dumbfounded when Maria took one look at the college and announced, “I would never go to this school. There are too many trees, and it’s in the middle of nowhere.”
Other students take an over-controlling approach. By her junior year, Laura had already set up a complex file system of plastic boxes to organize the flood of incoming college mail.
Scott, an accomplished and motivated student, took even more drastic steps to master his own destiny, as overheard at soccer practice:
“I can’t believe Scott! He actually sabotaged his own Early Decision application on purpose! His parents thought they had persuaded him to apply Early Decision to their alma mater. But he didn’t want to apply anywhere early, so he sent off all the materials in time for the ED deadline anyway–except for one required recommendation that he ‘forgot.’ Voila! Scott’s in the regular applicant pool.”
Like all teens, David, Maria, Laura, and Scott are each exploring their unique identity and self-image, moving toward separation from their parents while figuring out what their competencies are.
Linda Shapiro, a psychologist and independent college admission consultant in West Newton, Massachusetts, describes high school students as emerging adults “still under construction.” And, she points out, “any kind of construction is a messy process.” The problem is, the college search and application process comes right in the midst of the transition from childhood to becoming an adult. Talk about overload!
Parental anxiety Ironically, many parents also describe the college search process as stressful. One mom started by typing “college information” on Google. Up popped 11 million sites. “College admission” yielded 3,670,000 sites, and “choosing a college,” offered 1,730,000 sites.
So she made her way to the local bookstore, where she tried comparing college listings in various guidebooks. Where to begin? The thick-but-dry college guide? Fun-to-read narrative guide? Specialized guide for selective admission? Heck, she didn’t even know which book to buy–how could she ever help narrow down a list of colleges?
Learning lessons As a college admission consultant, I may have a head start in the “college knowledge” department, but as a parent, I have no more credibility with a 16- or 17-year-old who shares my gene pool than any other parent. When our firstborn approached this phase of his life, he was fairly engaged in the admissions process. I remember his indiscriminate exultation at every school we visited during our marathon college visit week. “I love this place! I can so see myself here!” he’d exclaim with delight. Later, when he received eight college acceptances, we were immensely proud, and I gave myself a smug pat on the back.
My son lasted only one semester in college before taking an extended year off that found him managing the parts department of a school bus company, doing construction in Oregon, and working in a fish processing factory in Alaska. What he knew–and I didn’t–was that he needed to try out his independence before settling into four years of college. He’s now happily back in college, but obviously we missed some cues during his senior year in high school. What did we miss?
Too much togetherness? Sometimes, it’s that word “we.” Admissions officers and guidance counselors all have stories to tell about parents who ask questions with the word “we” in them: Should “we” take a Kaplan or Princeton Review course, or should “we” arrange for in-home tutoring with Summit Educational Group? Should “we” declare a major on the application, or would “we” have a better chance of being admitted if “we” checked the undecided box?
The convenience of cell phones has also contributed to the phenomenon known as “helicopter parents,” because it is just too easy to hover in our kids’ lives. Some parents continue to hover even after their kids are enrolled in college. A professor at a highly selective New England college complained that on the day he passed back mid-term exams, he had barely returned to his office when a parent called, upset about his son’s test grade. In cases like this, parental intervention not only robs students of the opportunity to fend for themselves, but it also actually sabotages the development of independence.
Love and money Parental love can also cloud the reality of financing college. I counseled a family of one high school salutatorian who believed that she had earned the right to go to a certain prestigious school. But her parents were both teachers approaching retirement age, and the financial aid package she was offered came up short.
Neither parent could bear the thought of limiting their daughter’s future by their inability to pay, so they borrowed from their retirement savings to finance their daughter’s dreams. The bottom line for both of them was simply love. But a lot of guilt and financial worry could have been avoided if the three of them had discussed their family’s finances before submitting any applications to colleges.
As another dad said, “Ever since he was little, we told him to study hard and he could go to any college he wanted. We never realized that financial aid decisions could squash this promise.”
The good news Fortunately, most students are resilient, and going through the college application process often makes them even more so as high school draws to a close.
It’s true that keeping peace in the family can be trying during the college planning year, but it can be fun, too. What’s essential is to start early, talk often, and be sure everyone involved has an agreed-upon role. After all, “we” can’t all be the designated college student!

Article by Lynn Welbourn and courtesy of www.careersandcolleges.com