According to America's finest news source, The Onion, the top ways of firing an employee are:

• 19% on the "while you were out" slip;
  
• 11% right before penetration;
  
• 20% with failed explosive vest still on;
  
• 28% embossed letter lowered into mine shaft;
  
• 10% pushed out of boxcar; and
  
• 12% in the Victorian style of firings.