Inappropriate Behavior From Boss or Just Kindness?
Question from Employer:
I have a friend (we'll call her Sherry) that told me this story yesterday. I am completely flustered about this and want to make sure that I am not being unreasonable in thinking that this is the most disrespectful, inappropriate behavior by a boss.
Sherry has become close with her boss David. She has worked for him for approximately 9 months. David is a very religious man and is married with 2 kids. While working together in a small office, they have begun to talk about their personal lives. Sherry's husband is not very supportive. He has a bad temper is very close-minded. Over the months, Sherry has confided in David and he is very aware of the situation that Sherry is in. Sherry, to the best of my knowledge, has accepted her husband's behavior and has no plans for divorce. David, her boss, has told her that he wants to become more than her boss-he'd like to become her friend. He'd like to become the type of friend that shows her how she deserves to be treated. In a purely platonic way of course.
Yesterday, Sherry and David went to a business meeting off-site. After the meeting, David told her that he had planned the day for her. He told her that he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, that she should just trust him and that he would NEVER do anything to hurt her. He drove her to a hotel where he already had a room. Took her up to the room that was filled with candles and had a jacuzzi. He lit the candles and said the room was hers to enjoy and that he'd be back in an hour. She enjoyed a bubble bath while he was gone. He returned and they shared lunch in the room with nothing happening. Sherry felt fine with all of that.
They had to leave b/c he had made a reservation for her to have a massage. He dropped her off at a spa where he bought her a Swedish massage. Again, he picked her up afterward. In total, David paid approximately $250 showing Sherry how she 'deserved' to be treated.
It was made clear that this day would stay between the two of them and noone else should know.
In Sherry's mind, b/c David did not try anything, he was just being 'nice'. In my opinion, as her boss, this behavior is unacceptable, inappropriate, and completely disrespectful. I think Sherry needs to inform David that she can never again receive gifts of this sort from him. Ideally, I believe she needs to look for a new job. Please, tell me your opinion.
I am guessing that there is more to the story than your friend told you, or that you revealed. However, based on the facts as you present them, Sherry's boss is behaving in a completely unprofessional way, which leaves his vulnerable employee in a terrible situation. No boss should be taking employees to a motel for bubble baths! It is either a setup or a prelude to more "friendship" to come, that your friend Sherry probably won't want to deal with. When she protests, the boss will claim that she went along and "asked for it" as he boots her out the door. She may lose her job, her reputation, and her husband (if she protests, her boss will surely make her "pay" by ruining her marriage).
On the other hand, your friend is not blameless, either. To be sure, the office is a place where you can make good friends, but there is a fine line between friendship and flirting. A cordial friendship is one thing, but when Sherry started sharing confidences with the boss, she stepped over the line. When she saw the candles and so forth, that was the time for her to say to her boss "I really appreciate what you've done, but I'm really uncomfortable with this -- and walk away. If she continues to accept the type of treatment she's getting, she will likely end up in a situation she will regret.
However well intended, David's behavior crosses boundaries between supervisor and subordinate that forever change the dynamic between them, and don't think that others won't notice the change. If "showing her how she deserves to be treated" needs to be a secret, it's inappropriate. Sherry also crossed professional boundaries by discussing the state of her marriage with her boss.
At best, David used poor judgment and acted unprofessionally and disloyally: I'm sure neither his boss nor his wife would endorse his spending significant funds on a hotel and massage for a "platonic" friend. At worst, he is an accomplished seducer who used those gifts to win Sherry's trust and lower her guard in preparation for a future tryst.
Sherry also used poor judgment and revealed significant naivete to go along with David's plan for the day, putting her own marriage at risk: who would believe that hours in a hotel room were innocent, and were they? You can bet the sexual charge over that lunch, however unexpressed, was intense.
Sherry's best course of action is to first, tell David that on reflection this was inappropriate activity and that she will not spend time with him outside of the office. Second, start looking for a new job, because it is unlikely David will stop his pursuit. Third, face and resolve the issues in her marriage that led her to the hotel. Suggest she act fast while her character and self respect are intact, and before her husband's temper puts her at risk of harm (because sooner or later he will find out what occurred). Sherry may have her own issues such as fear of confrontation, lack of self esteem, and submission to authority that spill over from personal to professional life and back again.
You are a good friend to be willing to tell her what she doesn't want to hear, but that's a burden of friendship.
Well, there are a few problems with discretion here.
Although Sherry felt she needed to confide in someone, she made a mistake in becoming too personal with too much. No, she does not need to quit her job but she does need to stop telling so much of her business to her boss. If it is outside of something that affects how and whether she can do her work, then it doesn't really have a place in the work conversation.
There are innocuous things to chat about in the work environment. The kids are graduating, starting school, driving you crazy (period), did something really cute. Parents' anniversary is coming up. And so on.
Is the husband a threat to Sherry's welfare or the work environment? Is he violent so that he might come to the office and cause a scene or worse? If so, Boss has a responsiblity to Sherry to make certain the workplace is safe for her and all others who come to it. But his duty does not extend to "gifts" of the sort that he has provided. Does Sherry have healthcare insurance through Boss? If so, she should use it in order to discuss these issues with a professional -- not Boss.
If Husband is not a workplace or home threat, Sherry is using her boss as a close girlfriend and the boss is a mere man who is being influenced by the subtle suggestions laden in these conversation -- I'm available.
Sherry should not accept any more of these "just for her" days. After a while, the bubble bath, lunch and massage will merge into one session with Boss as the only other attendee. She should tell him things have gotten out of hand and that she used poor judgment in disclosing so much of her personal life to him. She would like to return to a more professional, business-like relationship.