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By Terese Corey Blanck and Peter Vogt

"The way of being with another person which is termed empathic means temporarily living in their life, moving about in it delicately without making judgments ... . To be with another in this way means that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter the other's world without prejudice ... a complex, demanding, strong, yet subtle and gentle way of being."

~ Carl Rogers

Listening appears to be well on its way to becoming "endangered" in our fast-paced world. But it's an essential skill you must use in the art of coaching your son/daughter on career issues (and other issues as well!).

So if you'd like to take an active role in being an objective parent-coach to your teen as he/she begins the process of selecting a college, a major(s), and a career, learn to listen between the lines.

Some words of caution: As a parent, you may find it difficult to master the skill of objectivity because there are so many emotions you bring to any encounter with your teen. These emotions can sometimes impede real progress. So if you're like most parents, becoming an effective coach for your teen will take some time. Learning to listen is a great first step.

Hazards to Avoid

• Don't steer your teen in a certain direction - your direction, the one you think is best for him/her. Remember: This process is not about you. It's about your teen, and it's critical that you learn to listen from your teen's perspective, not yours. The fastest way to shut down your teen (or anyone for that matter) is to inject your opinions without first walking in his/her shoes. It's not that your opinions don't count; they do. But it's confusing for your teen to discern what he/she truly thinks if your opinions aren't similar. For example, you may be able to actually sway your teen into a college, major, career, or field that isn't a fit - but you and he/she may not discover what's happened until much later. Your son/daughter must own his/her dreams.
• Don't think about what you're going to say next while your teen is talking. If you do, you're not truly engaged in active listening because you're lost in your own thoughts, rehearsing what you're going to say next. This is a common habit and one of the hardest ones to break. But there's a clear distinction between actively "listening to understand" the message being presented and just "hearing the words." It takes practice to become an intentional listener.

Coaching is about helping others find the answers that already lie within them. The challenge is digging deep enough and long enough until those answers are finally revealed. Be patient!

Here are a few more active listening tips to consider as you begin the journey of becoming a truly inspiring and helpful parent-coach to your son/daughter:

• Clear your mind. If you're preoccupied when you sit down to ask questions and listen, then your focus will be on your thoughts and feelings and not on your teen's.
• Listen fully and you'll begin to hear what your son/daughter is communicating "between" the lines. You can then follow up by asking related questions.
• Listen to the essence of what's being said - the tone and vigor of the message. Don't just focus on the words and what you think they mean.
• Ask questions to clarify. Reflect the feeling of the emotional aspect of what your teen is saying. Repeat (in your own words) what your child has just said so that you clarify your understanding. Then paraphrase - restate the meaning of what you've just heard.
• Suspend judgment. Pay attention to the way you're processing the information. Are you evaluating and making judgments while your teen is talking? Be sure to check your biases at the door (or keep them quietly to yourself) when you begin the process to genuinely help your teen find his/her own answers.
• Focus on creating an experience of connection with your teen through the entire listening and questioning process. You will know when this occurs because you'll find out about your teen's true reality versus your idea of it. This will lead to deeper understanding of your teen and his/her dreams.
• Be aware of what makes you defensive and try to quell it when it arises. Don't respond right away. Try to discover what triggers this kind of response initially and then move on. We all have "hot buttons" from our own personal histories, which can trigger negative feelings that don't belong in the conversation.

An Active Listening Exercise

Practice active listening through this simple exercise...

In your next conversation, become aware of your internal monologue, or inner voice. Most of us have one long conversation going on most of the time. This monologue impedes active listening.

When you become aware of this voice, ask yourself, "Why am I listening right now?" Is it because you're waiting for someone to stop talking so you can share your brilliant ideas or tell one of your stories or point out where the other person is wrong? If so, then you're not truly practicing active listening.

Now start over again and try to clear your monologue. Notice how different the experience is this time? Practice this technique whenever you can.

We're all conditioned to be constantly evaluating the content of another person's dialogue with us. So it takes a while to rewire what seems to be hardwired within us. But we must try to change our patterns of listening if we want to be the best parent-coaches possible for our teens. When we hone our active listening skills, we build far stronger and more satisfying relationships with our children - or anyone we may happen to be speaking with. This is a wonderful gift you can give to another person ... and yourself.

-- Terese Corey Blanck and Peter Vogt are career coaches with College to Career, a Minneapolis company that offers personal career coaching geared to the unique needs of high school and college students. To learn more about College to Career, visit the company's web site at www.collegetocareer.net. Or contact Terese Corey Blanck, President, at 763-494-4447 or tblanck@collegetocareer.net.

Copyright © 2004, Terese Corey Blanck and Peter Vogt. All rights reserved.